Kairi's Sinnoh Quest

[Kairi]

This is a fic I wrote on The Sinnoh Region site. Everyone on there loved it. So I thought I'd see what people on here thought of it.


What my character looks like

Chapter 1

Kairi was excited to begin her journey, today. She had been living here for awhile now. She did used to live in Johto. So, for awhile Kairi thought she'd be getting her starter from Prof. Elm. Now she'd be getting a starter from Prof. Rowan instead.

Kairi packed up her things and left her house. She noticed the time,"Oh no! I'm late!" She panicked. She hoped the Prof. would still have some Pokémon in his lab. She had already decided to go with the Piplup the other day.

Kairi ran down the road,"Now where is the lab?" She ran down a corner and came to a dead end,"Guess it's not this way," she sighed. She ran down around corner and came to another dead end,"Ah!" Kairi panicked. At this rate she wouldn't get there in time.

She ran down eight more corners and found more dead ends before she finally sild down to the ground sighing,"I give up." Just then a man walked up to Kairi,"Are you Kairi Hill?" He asked her. "Yes, I am," Kairi answered him,"But how did you know who I am?"

"I'm Prof. Rowan, Kairi. I've been looking for you all morning long. You need to come pick a starter from my lab," he told her. "Yey!" Kairi explainned happily. She had been lost all morning, but now her luck had finally changed.

Prof. Rowan led Kairi to the lab, where she could pick out her starter Pokémon and be on her way. Kairi had already decided she wanted a Piplup so she grabbed the sign up sheet straight out of Prof. Rowan's hands and filled it out.

Name: Kairi Hill
Pokemon: Piplup

Kairi ran over to Piplup's PokeBall and opened it up. There was nothing inside,"Ah! Where's Piplup!" Kairi panicked. She then checked Turtwig and Chimchar's PokeBalls as well. They were both entmy as well.

"Sorry Kairi, all the Pokémon were already taken by people who were on time," Prof. Rowan sadly told her. "Then why did you bring me here then!" Kairi screamed getting kinda mad. "Well, I do have a Pokémon I just caught this morning while I was looking for you. It was caught in some electric wirers. But you may not want it," he told her.

"I don't care I'll take it!" Kairi said grabbing the PokeBall out of Prof. Rowan's hands and opening it up. There was a flash of light as a very, very small Pokémon no bigger then a Diglett appeared before Kairi floating in the air. It was red in color, shaped like a spinning top and had two bolts of electricty on each side of it's body.

"This Pokémon is called a Rotom. There electric type Pokemon," the Prof. explained. "Wow! So cute!" Kairi said reaching out to touch Rotom. It shocked her. "They can be hard to control sometimes though. And even though there cute there not the cuddling type," he told her.

"I wish you had told me that sooner," Kairi said as she let go of Rotom. She then erased Piplup off her card and wrote,"Rotom." Prof. Rowan handed her, her Pokedex, 5 PokeBalls and 3 Potions just in case. Kairi put them in her bag. She then recalled Rotom into it's PokeBall. "Well, I guess I'll be on my way now Prof," Kairi said waving as she walked out the door,"Good bye Kairi and good luck," the Prof. called. This was just the beginning of Kairi's Sinnoh adventure.

[Kairi]

Chapter 2

Kairi and her Rotom walked out into the Tall Grass area. Well, Kairi walked, her Rotom floated beside her,"What do you say we find a wild Pokémon Rotom?" Kairi asked her partner.

Rotom chirped in reply. That meant,"Yes." The two of them, searched and searched not finding a thing. Kairi then spotted a lake in the middle of the Tall Grass. There she saw a Dratini blinking at her with it's big bright eyes.

"Wow! It's a Dratini. Talk about a rare Pokémon. I didn't expect to find one this soon. Go get it Rotom! Use Thundershock!" Kairi said. Rotom flew over and released Thundershock onto the Dratini who had just been swiming around minding her own business.

The Dratini answered with a Wrap attack onto Rotom. Kairi's Rotom looked like it was hurt pretty badly by the attack,"Come on hang in there Rotom! Use Thunder Wave!" Kairi called out.

Rotom managed to get Thunder Wave out. By this time Dratini had already jumped out of the water and was sitting in the grass. The Thunder Wave hit her, paradyzing her. She tried to use Leer to lower Rotom's defense but couldn't move.

Dratini was fully paradyzed. "Now fight back with another Thundershock Rotom!" Kairi ordered. Rotom used Thundershock again. Then it cridged from being hurt by Wrap. Dratini still couldn't make a move.

Kairi could tell this fight would end, any time now. She told Rotom,"Use Astonish." Rotom nodded and squeesed the Dratini to death. By this time Rotom had been released from Wrap. The Dratini looked pretty weak now, so Kairi took out a PokeBall and threw it at the weaken dragon. She watched the PokeBall shake wondering if she'd catch it.

[Dante]

Criticism should be expected from those who enjoy creative writing. As a bit of a warning, please don't feel as if you're bad at writing. There's a few things you need to work on to get your writing into tip-top shape! In no time, you should be a natural William Nicholson! Alrighty, here goes nothing!

First of all, I'd like to touch on your 'originality' in the first chapter. Ah, the good old days of the Kanto Region series of Pokemon... They do bring back quite fond memories of my childhood. The funny thing is, your writing brings up some of those memories. Not necessarily a bad thing, but not a good thing to do, either. If anyone has ever watched the first season of Pokemon, they would immediately find your work similar to that of the original series.

All of the main elemental starters were gone? The only one left was "Rotom"? I find that... Highly unlikely, to be completely honest. Did the Professors of the Pokemon World even know about Rotom? I don't think so. Legendaries are the pinnacle of epic when it comes to Pokemon and getting that as a starter erases all of that awesomeness. It's also MarySue-ish, so I advise not to even tread on the line of legendaries being in your team. Next topic on the agenda...

Prof. Rowan's personality is quite off. Oak is the one with the sarcasm. Rowan has a much more refined attitude. I suspect you to study the personalities of the canons you include in the fanfic. It makes your writing much more realistic and trust me; It makes people love your writing more than they should.

In the first chapter, the only real thing that I find new and original is the sign-up list, though it was a bit unoriginal at the same time.

Second Chapter:

This next chapter holds your first battle! How exciting! Unfortunately, I couldn't say that it was interesting. Your first wild battle! More epic than catching a legendary! Yet, you do exactly what you shouldn't do; You incorporate the rare species of Pokemon, Dratini, in your battle. No offense, but that battle was more boring than watching American Carol, followed by Pride and Prejudice! I was expecting something a bit more... realistic.

I would've enjoyed it if you used a rival! Like Gary, or the Sinnoh guy from the games! That would've been sweet! Now, your battling is quite undescriptive. You say the attack, then it is followed out. I barely see any type of excitement.

That's story-wise critique! Now onto more things!

Your grammar is on par with that of a blind monkey with three and a half fingers and a twelth grader who just crashed from thirteen Monsters. I suggest using Microsoft Word, or Proboard's spellchecker. Also, a thesarus is a MUST for someone who wants to write a fanfic. It makes everything look more refined. Also, use more description in your writing. It's better than just saying "Kairi did this, Kairi did that, Kairi looked around, Kairi smiled and looked at her Rotom." See what I'm getting at?

That's my two cents, so just tell me to EEEF off, or use this to your advantage and become a better writer! Either way, I'm posting this and I'm not taking it down.

[Kairi]

I've looked it up, Rotom and Dratini aren't legendary Pokemon.

[Dante]

That may be, but there's basically only ONE Rotom. That, in turn, makes him a rare species, which is just unrealistic if you think about it. Dratini is also extremely rare to meet IN THE FIRST ROUTE! Seriously. Not trying to down your work, but Rotom and Dratini are just to MarySue-ish to find off the bat. Still, if other people like it, then they can do whatever.

[Birdybot]

Yeah, I agree. There's only one Rotom, and the only place to find a Dratini is in the Kanto Safari Zone. Route One can expect things like, say, Oddish, Poochyena, Pachirisu and such.